The contest

I hear Bicycling Mag is having a contest for best amateur bike mechanic. Since Bicycling Mag became a shill for Floyd Landis, Specialized, and the other companies that sell overpriced stuff most of us don't need, and since Bike Snob's column was the only thing worth reading in the whole mag (unless they do a nude centerfold of the Fit Chick, which technically would involve less reading and more . . . well, you know), I don't subscribe to the mag. But I would offer this advice: a contest for the WORST mechanic who nevertheless manages to keep upright and rolling would be much more interesting. Just how many miles can you ride on a worn-out chain? How many more times can you patch a tube whose surface area already has a ratio of tube-to-patch that has definitely shifted toward the patch end of the scale? Does duct tape have any useful application in the repair of brakes for fixies or other inherently unsafe two-wheeled conveyances? The answers to all these questions would be much more interesting than awarding a prize to someone who's figured out that WD40 and lemon Pledge do wonders for a bicycle chain, or at least give it that fresh citrus scent that all the girls just love.

On Chain Maintenance

Ask any dozen bicycle mechanics about chain maintenance, and you're likely to get at least thirteen different answers. I have, however, come up with a sure-fire method to be sure that your chain is still shiny and intact long after every other part of the bike has disintegrated into carbon dust or been recycled to make latex gloves and flip-flops:

STRANDED'S FIVE MAGICAL STEPS TO ETERNAL CHAIN LIFE
1. Remove the chain and soak it overnight in a mixture consisting of one part rubbing alcohol, one part Absolut vodka, one part single-malt Scotch (definitely NOT blended), and one part Missouri mule pee.
2. Blow dry on low heat.
3. Run the chain through a full cycle in the dishwasher.
4. Soak overnight in extra-virgin olive oil. Yes, it must be extra-virgin.
5. Dry with an entire box of q-tips, one end of the swab for each side of every link.
6. Reinstall the chain and have the bike blessed by a Himalayan monk or, failing that, any one of the NSFW girls to be found here:"http://behoimi.org/post/show/22183/ass-bicycle-bikini_top-bra-hamada_shoko-panties-sw" http://behoimi.org/data/54/1b/541b8e903392f2d5bfaafea70afc223e.jpg
7. Fill your bidon with the soaking mixture from step number one (the squeamish can use a coffee filter to remove grit and metal filings), and go for a ride. Wear a helmet.

I realize that's more than five steps, so feel free to skip any you like except the olive oil and the blessing. Those two are essential.